Powerless In Your Mother-In-Law/Daughter-In-Law Relationship? Tips To Go From Powerless To Empowered

Through my research and individual work over the years with mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law one particular theme has emerged as the most predominant -- a sense of powerlessness. Mothers-in-law feel that no matter what they do, no matter what they say, it seems to be the wrong thing -- even doing nothing can be the wrong thing. Daughters-in-law, on the other hand, feel that their mother-in-law dismisses them; they have no voice in the "family," and that they are often seen and treated like one of the children (albeit adult child, but a child none the less).

This sense of powerlessness can be overwhelming to say the least. And it feeds on itself. The more you talk about "my in-law did this or my in-law did that;" or, "I can't believe she just said that!" Or, "Did you see the way she treated me?" the more powerless you feel AND the more stuck you become in the standoff between you and your in-law. Often times, the tendency at this point is to give up. But give up what? -- For daughters-in-law, having a relationship with your husband's mother who is just as important to him as your mother is to you, or being a role model for developing and nurturing relationships for your children? Or, for mothers-in-law, having a relationship with your son, or even having a relationship with your grandchildren? Do you really want to give these things up?

The stress and pain in this relationship can be so excruciating, so agonizing, but the alternative to not working on this relationship is just too regretful - for everyone involved. So here are some things to think about to help you start to melt the ice, to break the stalemate between you and your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law:

• Realize that when you focus on how hurt, upset, angry, etc. you are, you not only become powerless to do anything, but you become immobilized by it.
• Your in-law cannot read your mind -- Your intentions are not automatically conveyed in your behavior or words. (Although we want to believe this is so.)
• To be perceived accurately, your intentions behind your words and actions also need to be conveyed so that your actions really reflect your intent.
• Recognizing that you can do something to make sure your in-law perceives you more accurately give you more power, which in turn can give you hope of changing things in this relationship.

So, if you are experiencing this sense of powerlessness, maybe...just maybe you are too focused on your own painful feelings and are not aware your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law is not experiencing your actions in the way you are intending. And by changing your focus toward how you can help them perceive you more accurately, you really get your power back. It allows you a chance to start to make some changes in this important relationship.

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