Is Your Daughter-In-Law Misreading You? Mother-In-Laws, Ask Yourself These Simple Questions

You've been your son's mother his entire life. It can be hard to shift gears and think of yourself in any other way than as the primary figure in his life. You've never had any reason to really think about your "Mom" role, much less shift from being a mother of a child to a mother of an adult child. That pretty much explains why you tend to continue doing things as you've always done them. Your belief that "I'm just trying to help" or "I thought I could lend a hand" can easily be interpreted by your daughter-in-law as you being intrusive, controlling, or taking over.

Sometimes you may try to be the mother-in-law you imagine your daughter-in-law will appreciate - pitching in, helping out, being involved. However, your daughter-in-law may interpret your well-meaning intentions as you judging her, criticizing her, or you thinking she's incapable of doing things well enough on her own. Which doesn't exactly build a lot of good will.

There may be times when you realize your role with your son is changing, but you're not sure how its changing, where it's going, and what the heck you're suppose to be doing in the process. So you try different things - hit and miss - as you attempt to figure out what the new rules are, what the new roles are, and where you can fit. As a result, sometimes you may come on too strong, and other times, you'll stay back too much. And although it may not be your intent, your behavior can come across in such a way as to be frustrating, confusing, and often quite exasperating to the people around you. It's no surprise that your daughter-in-law is likely to be one of them.

You're probably saying to yourself, "I would never do anything to hurt my daughter-in-law. She's like a daughter to me. Why would she ever think otherwise?" Try to keep in mind...it's common for us to assume other people know what we feel, think, or intend because we know what we're feeling, thinking or intending. For most of us, it's a totally logical thought process, "doesn't my behavior scream of 'I'm just being helpful'?" Well, I'm afraid the answer is "no." What we often don't realize is that other people can't know what's inside our heads and hearts unless we share it with them. Our behaviors are just that - behaviors. They do not show our feelings or our intent. Your daughter-in-law views your behavior from the perspective of her past experiences. So your daughter-in-law can only know your intentions if you share them with her. More importantly, when you don't, you leave your behaviors - and yourself - open for misinterpretation.

Reflecting on your Relationship with your Daughter-in-Law

The following questions will help you start to look at your relationship with your daughter-in-law in a little different way. It will help you put some distance between yourself and the relationship, view your daughter-in-law in a different light, and allow you to see yourself how others may see you. As you go through the following list and reflect, allow yourself to come up with more questions you can use to start thinking about this relationship differently.

Ask Yourself:

Do you feel like you keep "trying" with your daughter-in-law, but to no avail?

How do you think your "trying" impacts your daughter-in-law?

Do you notice yourself getting "edgy" or nervous when you're around your daughter-in-law?

How does this "edginess" come out in your behavior?

Are you unsure how you're supposed to behave with your daughter-in-law?

How does this uncertainty show up in your behavior?

What was your fantasy about having a daughter-in-law?

How has this fantasy affected your expectations and your behavior?

Do you feel that your daughter-in-law is misunderstanding your "good intentions"?

How could your behavior contribute to this misunderstanding?

Do you become upset, anxious, or frantic when your daughter-in-law doesn't take your suggestions or ideas to heart?

Why does her response impact you in this way?

By taking time to really think through and answer these questions, you can save yourself a lot of pain, anguish, and heartache later. These simple questions can be a lifeline in this complex relationship. Does your daughter-in-law seeing you the way you want to be seen?

Read More About:

Related Articles: